In this hilarious video, Hartiverse captures the essence of how far off the rails some workplace environments are. The script, penned by Jamie Hart, connects all the dots in bad corporate behavior and is likely to provoke hysterical laughter at so many horrible ideas to piss off co-workers, rile up new hires with anger mismanagement, and tattling to the boss. There is even setting things on fire, falling off buildings and headbanging death metal involved. Must see to appreciate!
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Watch the video on YouTube here: https://youtu.be/_MmuXiEKUCM
Disclaimer: this is comedy. Don’t actually follow this advice unless you enjoy being unlikable. With that out of the way, let’s explore loathsome incompetence in the workplace.
People spend way too much time with others at work. These individuals don’t get to pick who their co-workers are, which leads to plenty of workplace pyrotechnics. Fortunately, not everyone knows how to get along with others. This can cause all kinds of difficult situations, making it almost impossible to get through the day, which is awesome!
Misunderstanding others is crucial to ruining friendships. However, it’s even more important in the workplace. Why? Because inefficiency, hostility, and cutting yourself free after being tied up in the office supplies closet are mission critical to a dysfunctional office.
The size of the company or organization you work for really doesn’t matter. The rules are basically the same if you work with one other person or a thousand. Each individual deserves the same level of disgust.
During your job search, have you ever noticed the phrase “must work poorly with others” in the job description or on the application? If so, there’s a very good reason for this. These employers don’t want to hire individuals who work well with others. It typically causes people to get along and that’s downright boring. Be original! Stir the pot!
Everyone you come into contact with while on the job is a potential target for being tedious and annoying. Obviously, the level of ire is going to be different for everyone. However, it can include your boss, your co-workers, the customers or clients you interact with, any vendors you utilize, the HR team, the maintenance staff and so on. So many people to radically piss off!
One of the main reasons it’s so important to treat everyone poorly is that you never know who’s going to go postal over your hostility and make everyone’s life a living hell. Of course, that means always taking advantage of people’s assistance and turn up your nose at their eagerness to help ruin the workplace. This is a first-person-singular operation.
Are you familiar with the expression “it’s not what you know, it’s how you demonstrate ignorance?” Think of it like this. Someone you don’t interact with on a daily basis, but still consider a hostile acquaintance, could tip you off to someone who happens to be jonesing for a position you’d hate to have. Without that tip, you wouldn’t be aware of the opportunity to spread negativity. This scenario happens much more often than you probably think. Just another reason to hate everyone.
Another possibility is making a foe you wouldn’t otherwise have. Hostility in the workplace is more commonplace than ever before. This gives you a much better chance of hating everyone equally, especially if they all ride the same kind of bike to work. It might be someone who works in a different department or the person who maintains the office grounds or drives a fire truck. This point will be important later. When it comes to meeting and making a new foe, the possibilities are almost endless.
There are several reasons why it can be challenging to anger others. Many people have a tendency to bring happiness to their job site. How disgusting, am I right? It could be that these individuals are really self-conscious and unsure if the bubbling anger underneath should rise to the surface, so they use flowery language and chocolate kisses as a cover-up.
Just remember to always check your candy! Quite honestly, being nice at work backfires more often than not, because no good deed goes unpunished. Instead, create resentment and bad feelings quickly. When an employee works poorly with others, for whatever reason, chances are high that that person will end up getting a raise.
If this unbecoming behavior continues, the same person is likely to get promoted over and over again until he or she can finally tower over others with their superior bad attitude. It’s a sad scenario when you think about people who try to be nice. Don’t let it happen to you and your dumb clay smile!
Another challenging part of working poorly with others is making an effort to create competition. If a fellow employee isn’t getting along with you, it may be because she’s more hostile than you and is anxious to beat you up in the smoking area.
A bit of unfriendly competition can entice workers into showing lackluster performance. Bringing up someone else’s work performance in order to get under their skin is a great way to hurt their feelings. This can lead to a further decrease in their own performance and could even cause them to think about moving on and finding a job elsewhere.
If everyone on the job is being treated with respect, it can bebad for business. If you feel like you’re being disrespected at work, it can be extremely rewarding for the sizzling beef you have with your co-workers. Your co-workers may not be able to perform their duties as inefficiently when their confidence has risen by a respectful co-worker. Ugh! Slap them until they have goosebumps! What an awful state of affairs!
A mutual disrespect between workers also helps to foster an environment of tribalism between members of the team. Cover your ears and wait for them to go away. If you disrespect the people you work with, it’s much easier to avoid them and prevent them from achieving goals. If you don’t have any respect for your co-workers or their abilities, they’ll count you out and you can seethe in peace in your sarong.
The best way for a team of employees to build a bond of mutual disrespect is through training and exercises meant to help everyone to get to know the dirty little secrets of their co-workers and their lack of skills. It can be as simple an activity as having each team member share their porn name and parts of their body that make them embarrassed.
Spraying your team with a fogger gun is also a good way to make sticking around undesirable. In an environment where disrespectful behavior is common, conflict is more likely to break out between you and your co-workers. That’s great, but it’s important that you don’t let disrespectful behavior get to you and cause you to start liking people.
Embrace chaos! A dispute at work has a negative impact on both morale and overall productivity. If you feel like a co-worker isn’t treating you with disrespect, talk to them about their behavior in a nasty, profane manner. Then tap your invisible watch and leave. If they aren’t willing to discuss it, take the issue to your boss or supervisor and tattle on them.
There are numerous essential skills and habits you need in order to work poorly with others. Developing the proper habits early on helps put you on track to things like higher pay and leadership opportunities. Since more and more companies are making the decision to promote ire within, these negative emotions are extremely important.
Many of these things will probably seem obvious to you if you’re a total psychopath. However, if they were obvious to everyone, they wouldn’t need to be listed. Please note, this isn’t a complete list of the skills and habits you need to fail, but it definitely gives you a bad place to start. As you can probably see, a lot of these suggestions don’t take much more effort than remembering how much you dislike people. There’s no reason to panic and think you have to change your way of life and end up being nice to people. That’s counterproductive counter-productivity.
Although these things may seem insignificant when you look at them separately, succeeding at doing several of them adds up to a bigger problem. It really can mean the difference between staying a rookie or getting promoted. This is especially true in today’s economy. With so many people actively looking for employment, employers generally find it very easy to fill their open positions with disenchanted people who hate going to work.
It’s always important to take responsibility for things that you do, especially when something goes right. Everyone hates a perfectionist. The most unrealistic employers know this. If you make a mistake and claim that it was your fault, not only are you telling the truth, you’re also giving the impression that you were in control of the situation and chose to fail. Good for you!
By taking responsibility, you’ll probably notice two things. First, your co-workers will likely be less willing to help you with projects so you can be alone with your thoughts or trolling social media at work. Second, these same individuals will be more uncomfortable around you, knowing that you are honest and will never place the blame on them. Never share discontent that you can keep for yourself.
In situations where you know you are 100 percent correct, it’s always advisable to let people know. This is especially true when you happen to be in a managerial position. Coming across as someone who knows it all causes people to get defensive very quickly and it’s downhill from there. Mission accomplished!
Never show even a little bit of humility and concern about truly finding the right answer for every issue, because it keeps everyone on edge and makes them duck back into their cubicles and contemplate how much force it would take to bust out one of the high-rise windows. Would the computer tower be enough, or do you need to lay it on your task chair first, so it can be rammed into the glass? See how much disillusionment you’ve created? Keep going! Teamwork has the potential to resolve issues and come up with actionable ideas much faster, but if they aren’t ways to destroy office equipment, what good are they?
Always put a short timer on unwanted projects, even when something unexpected comes up. It’s much better to give your co-workers less time than humanly possible to finish whatever they’re working on, rather than to correctly estimate the time needed to complete the assignment. This way, you’ll look like a slave master to your boss so he won’t worry about how disappointing your results are.
Go the extra mile to make people uncomfortable. Always increase disgust whenever possible. This accomplishes two things. One, it strengthens workplace dissatisfaction. Two, it provides you with important feedback regarding your lackluster performance.
Regardless of whether you’re working with the public or in a back office, practicing improper hygiene is essential to spread germs. No one wants to be around someone who smells bad or looks like they slept in their clothing, so do it! Never dress like the rich and famous unless it’s a mankini on casual Friday. Then always wear the mankini. Showering daily is a drag and could be bad for your skin, according to new medical findings. Come to work looking and smelling as bad as possible.
Buy all your clothing at local thrift stores. You can pick up great deals on clothing that’s perfectly awful for work. These stores typically stock a wide variety of outdated business attire at fantastic prices. Nobody else will want such garments, which means more for you!
Everyone has a cell phone these days. If you work in a large office, constant ringing can be a major distraction, just like an enormous bell, so turn up the volume to the maximum, put your caller on speaker phone and yell at them from arm’s length. If you get a text message when someone is speaking to you, read it to them. It’s extremely rude and gives the impression that your phone is more important than your job, which of course it is, because it’s the one thing in the office that’s truly yours. Make a habit of checking your messages or making personal calls during your work time so that you can relax on breaks or your lunch period.
When applicable, taking credit for your co-workers’ efforts is a sure sign that you work poorly with others. Not only will that person hate you even more than they did before, you’ll level up your disrespect as well.
Make your disrespect level above 9,000! Gain a reputation as someone who is selfish and out to cheat everyone else in your attempt to get ahead. If you can get away with this without anyone complaining, celebrate the moment. You’re getting paid for other people’s work! Meanwhile, your insignificant ant of a co-worker will find themselves in the unemployment line for not being first to think of the idea.
Have you ever been in the middle of a conversation, only to be suddenly interrupted? It’s annoying, isn’t it? For that reason, always be the one who interrupts the most. If you have a piss-poor idea that you can’t wait to share, talk over your colleague and make their dumb ideas feel unwanted.
Here’s a little secret. There are individuals who aren’t all that impressed when you talk, regardless of how dismal your idea. These people would much rather talk about themselves. When you refuse to let them talk first, they’ll soon start to hate you. After that, they may dodge you at the water cooler because you’re such an ass hat.
The act of smiling is often referred to as a person’s most powerful gesture. Even better, smile evilly. Make yourself look fierce so people will think you may carjack them after work.
It’s interesting to note that some training modules for phone-based customer service positions require agents to keep a small mirror by their phone. This way, the agent can break it, ushering in 7 years of bad luck as they speak to the customer. Believe it or not, the person at the other end of the receiver can usually hear the disdain in the agent’s voice. It makes for a much more unpleasant interaction. Just make sure the customer is under a contract that would be costly to break, so they are forced to put up with your antics.
Working poorly with others to the best of your ability sometimes involves utilizing resources. Depending on where you work and your job description, many companies provide all kinds of options for you to take advantage of.
These resources include things like fireworks, magic wands, handcuffs, broken safety equipment and more. If you run across a good resource you think would shock your workplace environment and your co-workers, don’t hesitate to mention it to your manager or boss. You might even get hush money for taking the initiative to recommend something that might help your company look like the douche bag of the year.
In the event your employer allows you to listen to music or something similar, be a noisemaker. Forget the headphones. Turn up the volume to the max. Remember, not everyone will have the same taste in music as you do, so start enjoying death metal. If your co-workers don’t enjoy what they hear, you’ll probably make it more difficult for them to concentrate and get their job done properly, which gives you a competitive advantage over them. The time to make noise is right when the most people are on the phone talking to customers.
Your job might require you to share a space with your co-workers, whether it’s a cubicle, office, or vehicle. If you are near others while you work, make sure that you disrespect their boundaries and tell them to “fight me” if they complain.
Try to have phone calls about non-work-related matters when your cubicle mate is quietly focused on a project. Try not to divulge too much about your personal life, because this may give your co-workers a competitive edge. Instead, get them to gossip about themselves so you have inside information to hold against them at a later date. If you aren’t sure if your behavior is going to annoy your co-worker, try it and see.
Once you’ve had a dispute with a co-worker, congratulations. If the dispute somehow becomes resolved, the best thing that you can do is find something new to argue about. Of course, your co-worker will do the same, so beat them to the punch.
If they still seem upset over the issue, see if they’re willing to talk about it. If they tell you why they’re still not satisfied after the dispute was settled, do what you can to make things awkward between the two of you. If problems persist, it may be best to inform your boss or supervisor that your co-worker is a shit head.
Teamwork is a horrible thing. It may take everyone a bit of time to get out of the groove if teamwork was valued at their last employer. But, when that happens, feelings of isolation set in, followed by depression and wanting to live on another planet.
Working together typically fills voids, which sounds like work, and who wants to trade work for a paycheck? You showed up; that should be enough. Also, not everyone has the same skills or education, which is good, because if they did, you’d be working in an office full of robots. Ever try to piss off a robot? They don’t get it.
Lacking teamwork also come in extremely handy when someone is sick. If no one jumps in to do that person’s job, everything comes to a standstill until the employee feels well enough to return to work. Meanwhile, you can blame them for not getting anything done and chain smoking outside all day. Companies lose business when they are functioning at less than 100 percent, and since you can’t stand your workplace anyway, why help them stay afloat? That sweet, sweet unemployment benefit is just a paycheck away.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with unhealthy competition in the workplace. This often leads to increased moodiness, which is always encouraged. It’s also an excellent demotivator. Many times, when co-workers see their peers doing a rotten job, they want to do all they can to match or outdo the performance.
No matter how poorly you and your teammates work together as a group, there’s always the chance of harmony popping up now and again. There’s no set-in-stone way to avoid this completely. It’s what makes the world and the workplace environment so uninteresting.
When conflicts present themselves, your team is then forced to come up with a revenge tactic that best fits the situation. This is a very good skill to have under your belt, especially for those interested in stepping on co-workers for promotion opportunities.
You may not think that risk-taking is something that should be attempted on the job. However, there is such a thing as unhealthy risk-taking. Think of it like this: if you were standing on the roof and a gust of wind blew you off, you could sass nature with profanity all the way down to the sidewalk below.
On the other hand, if you’re working as a team, your co-workers could take the blame for pushing you off. Teamwork gives everyone the freedom to think of unsafe activities and really brainstorm dreadful possibilities.
The more disloyal a team of employees are, the more work they’ll be able to avoid. Of course, having more people means being able to put forth less effort individually. A large team may get in each other’s way if they are working together ineffectively. Nobody wants a copycat slacker. Even if you don’t work directly with a team, communicating with distortion toward other members of your organization helps ensure nothing gets done correctly.
When members of the team don’t trust each other, they can make decisions that hinder progress. This could lead to an excellent rise in inefficiency, and potentially even bigger problems, if the added strain causes an employee to put forth an unforgivable effort. Score!
If you’re the one in charge of training new employees at the workplace, you have a major impact on their impression of the organization as a whole. If your training is ineffective, and you’re just there to rile them up, they’ll see the company as unhelpful and a good place to start fights. Don’t provide them with the help they need so they aren’t likely to build a positive relationship with the company. Here are a few things to keep in mind while training a new employee.
As you work with a new hire, be on the lookout for areas where they excel and discourage them to utilize their expertise. Not only will this discourage them to do a good job now, it will also set them up for failure in the future. In addition, ask them if they have any other strengths that they feel they need shouted down to avoid getting the job done. They may be able to sabotage the company in ways that you hadn’t thought of before.
There are a number of different learning programs available on the internet that are well-suited to many different companies and organizations. These courses typically include written instructions and instructional videos, like this one, as well as interactive components such as quizzes, puzzles, or even games. Never use them. The only smart rats on a sinking ship are the ones climbing down the ropes.
Never allow groups to come to your workplace to administer good training. The assistance provided can prove to be costly in your effort to tear down new hires right from the start. In order to keep training costs to a minimum, think of your current staff. If any of them are exceptionally talented in one of the areas your training covers, be sure to shield your new hire from them.
It’s easy to teach someone who doesn’t want to listen to what you have to say. Just sit them down and say “blah blah blah” over and over until it’s time for a smoke break. The more your new employees are disheartened about their new job, the easier it is to dispel any notions that your company is interested in doing things effectively.
It’s important that you spark an interest in your trainee to learn how to do their job wrong, rather than simply telling them what to do. You want to watch them dissociate on their own, rather than share anything from your own list of dirty deeds. Make sure that they know that asking questions is forbidden, even if it’s less about their job and more about the company as a whole. The less motivated they are to learn, the more their performance will deteriorate as time goes on.
After you’ve instructed your new employee on how not to do their job, give them something to do so you can see how much of their training they’ve forgotten in a haze of unfulfilled dreams. Make sure that you monitor them as they do this, but try not to interfere too much, because everyone dies alone. Not only does it give you a good idea of what they’ve missed, it will also help them figure out how to apply the nonsense you fed them and help them to feel a sense of failure.
One of the best things you can do to help build ire between your trainee and your organization is to keep the tone disingenuous. This doesn’t mean that you should make your training any less ineffective, or not slack off as much during the training period. Just make sure to smile evilly and keep things negative while you’re working with them. Not only will it make learning their new job more unpleasant for them, psyching them out now could also lead to you making a new enemy in the future.
Much like conflict in our personal lives, conflict in the workplace is easy to start. Disputes among co-workers should never be resolved among the parties involved without a catch. Sometimes, it may be necessary to contact your human resources department or upper management to find a new problem if the dispute is heading towards settlement. Stand-offs are the way to go.
A change of leadership such as a new supervisor or managerial staff can cause great conflict among employees. A sudden change in leadership can take some time getting used to, and may be stressful for you and your fellow co-workers in the process. Excellent!
Drastic changes to leadership on the job takes people out of their comfort zone as they try to adjust to new rules and techniques, all while failing at their workload. While it may seem daunting at first, much of this conflict can be cajoled by providing a confusing summary of any changes being made to rules in the workplace. The harsher, the better.
Personality conflicts are some of the most common issues among co-workers. It can be difficult to pick up on social cues you’re not accustomed to, or understand mannerisms that differ from your own and the people you regularly contact. Take things personally to foment confrontation.
If you can’t think of a reason why your colleagues should act negatively toward you, you may have to invent a conflict. It’s very unlikely that your co-worker arbitrarily decided to be rude to you. Be rude back and double down!
Typically, change for the worse is not easy for anyone to attain. You can’t just snap your fingers or wave a magic wand and expect things to get worse overnight. But, think of how great it would be if it was actually possible to destroy morale!
While it is possible to change your undergarments, it’s extremely difficult to change others. But why not try? Just refer to them as “poopy pants” as you proceed to unzip them in a team meeting.
It’s hard to create anger in a situation if you don’t have all of the juicy gossip on them. Until you’ve actually walked in someone’s shoes, you don’t know why that person acts the way they do. So get them to take off their shoes and try walking in them. Smash down the heel of the shoe and hopefully tear out the side seams as you ram your own shoes into theirs. Judge the shock on their face to determine if the shoes were expensive or not.
Whether you’re at work or in another location, when the mood strikes you to want to change someone, try this: come right out and tell them that you think they need to change. It’s a sure way to initiate bad feelings between the two of you. Honestly, how would you feel if the tables were turned and someone was telling you that you need to alter the way you do things? The worse you’d feel the better the insult.
A good example of this relates to time management. You notice one of your co-workers is finding it easy to stay on schedule completing a project. That’s going to make all the slackers look bad. Instead of going to your manager with a complaint, why not ask the boss if there’s some way that you can help the individual run off the rails? You might even learn some new evil in the process.
If someone wants to change and asks for your help, it’s a completely different matter. Assisting them inappropriately will help ensure their transformation fails to manifest. It’s not enough to tell them to wear stripes with polka dots. Sometimes, the individual needs a good shove in the wrong direction. If your idea is something they’d probably do to you, double down. You don’t want them scoring points that rightfully belong to you.
Many interpersonal conflicts at work can be heightened without getting management involved. Your co-workers are adults, and you should be able to have any dispute you like. While it is a good idea to tattle to your boss about what’s going on between you and your co-workers, going to them with every issue may lead your fellow employees to figure out you’re a snitch, and that could get you a double tap to the head on your way through the parking garage.
It’s preferable if neither of you want to budge on an issue. Set up a time when you can meet to work out the issue, then don’t show up, that way the ire can build to a raging fire. In fact, setting your co-worker’s paperwork on fire is a good reason to trip the fire alarm and get a break from a dull day at work.
This information is just a small sample of things you can do to help ensure that you always work poorly with others, regardless of your job description or company position. Obviously, the easier it is for you to avoid interaction with co-workers and customers, the higher the chances of getting a raise or promotion through strategic inaction.
You may have to work on some of these things before they begin to feel like second nature. The bad news is that if that’s the case, you’re probably not cut out for workplace destruction. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Remember the guy with the red stapler in the movie “Office Space”? Be like him.
In any job, two of the most important traits to possess are sloth and dishonesty. As long as you exhibit both of these qualities, there’s a good chance you’ll succeed at nothing, and better yet, feel good about it.
Just like there is no perfect employee, there is no perfect job or set of co-workers. There will be times you feel frustrated by both, which is perfectly natural. During those periods, do all you can to remain negative about the situation.
Being negative is a choice you make. It doesn’t only hinge on the bad things you do to people. If you remain negative even when things are looking up for the company, your co-workers will be more likely to pick up on your attitude and try to match it.
Some people are more introverted and prefer to work alone. If you fall into this category, that’s ok too. As long as you can find work you hate doing, that’s the most important thing. However, you may want to consider this: by practicing some of the suggestions in this video, you may slowly find yourself becoming a little more extroverted, which is great for being the office loudmouth.
When that happens and you find yourself feeling more uncomfortable around people, it may be time to make an attempt to expand your employment horizons. This new feeling of self-loathing won’t happen overnight. But, with practice and patience, you may eventually find yourself no longer wanting to work with others. And, there’s certainly nothing wrong with that.
In closing, keep thinking up new ways to be demotivational. Better yet, write each of them on a sticky note and place them around your workstation. Remember, the pandemic is contagious. Why not help spread it around and make your work environment a sicklier, less productive place. Your co-workers will undoubtedly hate you for it!
If you found this comedy video amusing, please give it a thumbs up, and don’t forget to subscribe to the channel with those notifications turned on. Use the comment section to share your worst workplace experience. Bye for now!
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